Journal Past and Future

On September 15th, after some busy days when I didn’t have time to write or draw, and a few more days when I didn’t know what to write or draw, I wrote in my journal:

“I guess I’ve need a few days to NOT journal.  Sometimes I just don’t know how to write about my life — and I guess that means I don’t know how to remember my life.
“When I enter into the swirl of emotions that surround my relationships, I wonder if I’m reading life right, if I’m only ever looking through the blurry lens of my own hopes and dreams.  That will always be a problem for me and will always cause some bit of disruption in the flow of my writing.  I will be fragmented.”

I try to come up with plans to create more order and discipline in my life — daily writing, daily drawing, painting schedules, reading quotas.  I never live up to them and wind up feeling that I’m not living up to some idea I have of my potential.  In this journal entry, I gave up such nonsense.  I will be fragmented.  It’s a nice bit of self acceptance for my 53rd year on the planet.

My creative process is regulated by a kind of hunger.  If I’m satisfied, I don’t need to create.  If I’m upset or over emotional, I can’t create.  The creative urge always returns, though.  After a while, I crave self-expression as surely as I crave food.  It’s nourishment that must be taken on a regular basis.

Here are some fragments of my September journal.  (If you are a facebook friend, you’ve seen a few of these.)

I learn a lot about myself from keeping a journal.  Do you?  Do you look back through your writings and drawings and discover things about yourself or your world?

I got athletic shoes instead of orthopedic shoes — they made my feet look enormous but so did the orthos

Stablio felt tip pen
waiting for a bus, I copied the graffiti on a dumpster
Meeting Notes

poem

I am enchanted by imaginary birds lately
I started taking a class on living well with chronic illness.  Apparently I need flying snails and turtles to live well
Stories and borders didn’t always mesh

I bought a cheap dip pen and compared it to a brush pen.  Both were fun in their own way.
This is how I pay attention at meetings.  Really!
Back of the journal

Thanks for reading!  Be nice to yourself.

Godzilla’s Prostheses

My 8 year old neighbor Noah was amazed to find out I knew all about Godzilla.  I’ve known him for about two years now.  We live in a community called Bridge Meadows, which is set up to support families adopting children out of the foster care system.  Part of that support is playing with the kids.  When I moved in the neighborhood, Noah was very impressed with my fabric sculpture of the Seeing Eye Dragon:

We often draw together, mostly dragons at first but now he likes to draw video game and cartoon characters.  This summer we started playing build a monster, which is a game where he draws one part of a character and I draw the next. 

Dragon who has water, ice and fire power

I have a small collection of toys — including a dragon and various robots and weird creatures.  My son, age 30, recently added to the collection, including a figure of Gamera, the Godzilla like turtle from the Japanese monster movie craze of the 60s.  When Noah saw Gamera, he said it looked like a Godzilla monster.  It was then I got to share what I knew about  giant zillas. He set up a battle between Gamera and the other toys right away.

Boys are so attracted to battle games and super heroes, good monsters and bad monsters.  I think it’s the way they deal with feelings of powerlessness and they can find some sense of order and control in this kind of play.  I don’t play video games with kids and rarely watch movies or such with them.  But if they want to create monsters and try to figure out good and evil through drawing, painting and storytelling, I’m all about that!  Those are the tools I use to deal with powerlessness.

Yesterday, Noah told me he found his Godzilla toy, but the leg was missing.  He’d looked all over for it.  He has lots of toys in his room, and he has three brothers, so it’s pretty easy to lose a leg in such an environment.

I told him if he found the leg, I’d try to re-attach it and if he didn’t, I’d try to make something that would work as a leg.  So he showed up with his legless red monster who used to roar and fight for good but now couldn’t stand up.  We tried looking for another old dinosaur toy we could harvest a leg from, but none were big enough.  Then we tried a piece of plastic, but I didn’t have any way of drilling a hole for the axle that we needed to attach the leg to.

I mean this is a pretty sophisticated Godzilla, with little wheels embedded in his foot and tail so he can roll.  We figured out how to open the battery pack with a tiny phillips-head screw driver.  We replaced the batteries, but old Godzilla only lit up for a second and didn’t move and roared without much ferocity at all. 

I got out my copper wire I used to use for making fabric sculpture armatures, an impressive array of wire benders and cutters, and my trusy old duct tape.  I cut and bent the wire, made a loop around the axle, and got an armature that would balance and make Godzilla stand by himself.  (Before he was propped up on his new friend Gamera).

I was trying to fashion three toes, but Noah went for a more practical foot and bent the wire himself. Then we wrapped it in duct tape.  I offered him acrylic paint, but he used a red sharpie instead.  I did some fancy folds and turns with the tape and Godzilla was standing on  his own.  I remarked how it looked almost like one of the prosthetic legs that runners use.  Noah agreed and wondered if we could add springs later so his Godzilla could outrun others.

I love that about him.  He’s totally open to repaired toys and even can imagine an assistive device adding power to his beloved Godzilla.  I was having a high-pain and depression day before he came over, and this little exercise in toy repair was about the best medicine in the world.

He left Godzilla here and during the night, off and on, I heard this strange noise.  My husband was charging his phone and I thought maybe it was making strange noises.  I heard the sound again this morning after he left.  I looked on the toy shelf and there was Godzilla all lit up and roaring.  I pushed the blue button on the side of his neck to see if that would shut him off — and he walked!   His good foot rolls forward and the leg we made follows along beautifully.

I texted Noah’s mom that Godzilla had grown new powers during the night.  Noah was over in a flash. He was delighted and had no trouble believing that Godzilla re-charged and repaired himself during the night. Noah assures me Godzilla walks even better than he used to. And now, Noah’s looking around at old toys, boxes, containers and wire, coming up with ideas for new toys.  But first, he’s most interested in making a world for Godzilla to strut his stuff.

Noah Tanatchangsang and his good monster

It didn’t look as cool as it could with my kitchen in the background.

We added a back drop and now he’s ready to stage his own movies

Can’t I get springs for both legs?

So who knows what creations lurk in the future?  We’ve already started repairing and enhancing a Ninja turtle.  If you’re ever depressed or blocked, if at all possible, collaborate with a child.  Your perspective will improve, I promise.

Everyday Icon: Celestial Love

My friend Nita celebrated her 90th birthday last month because she had family reunion and that was the best time for all of her relatives to get together.  Today, September 5th, is her real birthday.  She and I both live in the Bridge Meadows community.  Her strength and vitality have been an inspiration to me.  She was very helpful to me when my mom passed away in February.  She’s has a wealth of stories and welcomes new friends of all ages into her life. I don’t think it’s necessarily true that as you get older you get wiser, but she has left her heart open and the wisdom has come with it.  She works with kids here in the community and brings them a whole new sense of possibility.

For her birthday family reunion, I made her this card, with 9 Nur Mahal roses, a rose that hybridized the year she was born, 1923:

Nine Roses for Nita, 5×7″ watercolor and ink

For today, her real birthday, I made my second everyday icon.  My first, I made for my daughter’s birthday. I decided this kind of illustration would be a good way to honor my family and friends.  Nita and I both loved the illustrations of David Diaz in the picture book Me, Frida, so I loosely based the design on the cover of that book.

Queen Nita: Celestial Love, 7×10″, mixed media

I made her the queen of celestial love, because she is so full of love and idealism and nine decades have only made her more so.  It’s not an easy planet to live on, but she keeps a clear vision of what is good.  She has the universe in her hands.  I feel blessed to know her.

I think this will be a series and the next birthday in my family is mine, so I guess the next one will be a self portrait.  Stay tuned.

Thanks for visiting!

August Journal

What I learned from keeping a journal last month was that it’s really important to record the good and delightful things that go on  in my life.  August is rarely a good month for me.  I don’t like hot weather and it leaves me drained.  I had a lot of health and financial problems (nothing new).  I had deadlines, strained family situations, and too many moments of feeling powerless and unproductive.  Those things are noted in the journal, but the overwhelming feeling from looking back through my writings and drawings is  one of contentment. 

Dinner with friends, little notes from my husband, great feedback on my stories and art.  Even though it was hot during the day, in the evening it was coolish and I went to free concerts the park.  I played with new colors and taught a drawing class.  I drew kids in the neighborhood and read good books.

I was slightly astonished to find so much color and happiness in August.  Left to my own immediate memories, it seemed like a long, hot and difficult month. I would have forgotten so much of the goodness in my daily life if I had not made the effort to be more observant and outwardly focused.  I don’t want to ignore the troubles and hurts in my life, but I definitely want to give equal time to the good things. 

My brain is not set up to remember the good.  My memory clamps onto trouble and sorrow.  It’s a bit of fight or flight mentality, but also a witness and try to fix it ethic.  Nothing wrong with that, but if I only focus on the troubles, I give them more power over me than is good for me.    So with my journal, I try to make sure I record things about nature and the little pleasures of life. 

For years, I’ve been keeping two journals, one small paper one I carry around, another big one I write in at my desk.  The last two months I’ve gotten a sturdier 9×6″ ones that are easy to carry around.  I got a little watercolor compact and water brush to carry around, too.  In August, I wrote and drew and painted a lot in my journal.  It was effortless, therefore I expected when I re-read it, to find more depression.  Instead, depression only had its proper proportion in the mix, and so did delight.  I may have finally  broken through the learning phase — instead of trying to cultivate delight, it may have taken root and become a perennial part of  my vision.  May I never forget or take for granted my own riches.

Here’s some pages from August, the good, the bad, the scribbled, the misspelled and the peculiar:

Bad day
Morning at the Columbia Gorge
Showing materials at drawing class
Rejection?What rejection? I was already onto the next idea
Migraine Flash

I tape in things I write from notepads.  Remove the butterfly sticker and there are 3 more pages

Kenton Park Tree
Rose Garden
Sinus Headache

Good Medicine
Note from Jim
Soon all will change

Vonnegut quote — complete with mistake

“Be soft.  Do not let the world make you hard.  Do not let pain make you hate.  Do not let bitterness steal your sweetness.  Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful  place.”  Kurt Vonnegut.

If Vonnegut could be soft, so can I.