I turned 65 yesterday (September 9, 2025). What a surprise that was for me. And to be happy about it! I never thought either thing would happen. To begin with, when I first started having health problems, my doctors told me I might not live until I was 30. (I’ve now lived to see both of my kids enter their 40s.) But as my degenerative spinal cord condition progressed, and I developed bi-polar disorder, I thought if I did live this long I’d be mad about it.
To have to keep dealing with so many health issues and pain for this long used to seem unbearable. Especially after my left leg got too weak to balance with (my right leg had already lost most of it’s movement) and I had to start using a wheelchair full time – stopped being able to use my walker at all. It was so hard to adjust to the new limits and lack of access. I felt a terrible sense of confinement.
But one day, I began to see all the grace and beauty in my life. I felt like I’d received a reward for growing older. My expectations shifted, my acceptance of pain and limits became more than just an act; it’d somehow become a part of who I am (though I still feel misery and sadness – and sometimes I shout out a blazing “Fuck!” in the middle of the night when pain wakes me or keeps me from sleeping). But more often I feel a sense of calm at the same time. We’ve been through this before, I tell myself. We’ll get by. (I refer to myself as a collective – I contain multitudes).
There are hundreds of easy ways to end this story, this life, but I keep wanting to add a little more, another chapter.
What a remarkable thing love and friendship has been. When I’m around friends and family talking, enjoying music, or sharing a meal, all that’s broken within me is reduced to a very small compartment of my being. I open up my heart to those around me, I listen to their stories of pain and sorrow. We laugh and joke, get sad and indignant, then grab a thread of conversation that leads back to the light, or sit in the sadness for as long as we need.
Everything is chaotic and strange. We fall sometimes, more often as we age, but the safety net between friends never breaks, we are there for each other, so we always land softly, and find our way back to love and laughter. No matter how bleak things look, there will never be a shortage of that kind of health or wealth. It’s a great gift to have lived long enough, and through enough, to know that.
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